Death Happens
by Ji Lin
Summary: 'From the moment we are born, we move slowly towards our death.' Weeks after the death of Asuma, Shikamaru escapes to a small town three hours from Konoha. That's where he meets her, a girl with more secrets than questions can answer.
1. Everyone dies

From the moment we are born, we move slowly towards our death. Every ticking second brings you closer towards your timely end; each minute we are dying. It's a fact you're told from the moment you enter the Academy, even earlier if your parents inherit the old ways. By the time you're twelve, you're expected to be able to kill a man without any form of remorse.

Everyone dies, some earlier than others. Some go gruesomely, others peacefully.

_ Everyone dies._

Yet the sting of a lost life takes decades to pass. The moment you find out of a death, time slows. Your heart screams. Everything is lost.

But everyone dies. We've been trained not to show emotions, been told never to show weakness at the loss of someone dear.

We're ninja; we can't be weak. Many lives depend on us, on our strength, our ability to brush off the ideas of life and death with the blink of an eye.

So why is it that I can't get over this pain...?


	2. Selfish pleasures

She was one of his selfish pleasures.

Asuma's death had hit the teen hard; his sensei had been his closest friend, with the exception of Chouji, the friend he had for the longest set of time. When he witnessed that man – so much stronger, far more skilled – die in battle, it shook home the reality of his life. At any time, he could die. Eventually, he would, it was a fact. In his mind, he wanted to die of old age, a nice, peaceful process.

He was sure that Asuma had wanted the same, but was not granted that. Who was to say that he would, too?

So when he met her, he was vulnerable. She was beautiful, confident, strong in her presence despite being halfway across the room at the bar.

With a bottle of sake in her hand, she approached him at his lonely table, sat across from him like they were old friends.

_You're lonely_.

She poured him a drink, he stared at it in curiosity. Had she poisoned it? Was she an assassin from another village?

_So am I._

Putting her lips to the rim of the bottle, she took long swigs of the alcoholic beverage, closing her eyes each time she did. He watched carefully, each movement she did. He was still a ninja, and – judging from her short-cut leather shorts and similarly revealing leather tube-top – so was she. The way she swallowed turned him on, or perhaps that was the alcohol from earlier coursing through his veins.

_Your eyes are sad._

Not once had she looked at him, her eyes always set on his neck, his jaw, his lips. Once, he had caught her eyes moving lower on his body, tracing the lines of his Jonin vest downwards, the table blocking her view after a while and forcing her eyes back to his neck. But never, never did her eyes meet his. Perhaps it was better, he thought for a moment, perhaps he was afraid of meeting her eyes.

_This town doesn't judge. Easy for someone to escape in it._

She spoke like she knew him, were old friends, simply getting together over a drink that he shouldn't be having. He was only seventeen, still underage and young, yet no one had dared to question him about it. The alcohol came fast and often, not a single glance of question put his way by any of his barmaidens.

_It's a sad place if all you really want is to be found out, though._

He said nothing as she went on, she mentioned nothing of his untouched drink. In the moment of silence that followed from her drinking from the bottle of alcohol, he looked around the room. It was a quaint bar, somewhere that – like she said – someone could escape in. It was an easy place to blend into, people everywhere laughing and smiling, having a good time. Sitting at the bar stools were three sad-looking folks, the only other people in the bar beside himself that shared a frown.

For a moment he thought she was a prostitute, or a bandit, or some form of clever rogue set to get him drunk and rob him blind, perhaps get him into bed and take every possession he had, if not kill him. But the looks she received from the other patrons were mixed and varied. Some looked afraid, others looked on with fondness. Some felt indifferent, others scoffed and smirked as they passed. Such odd responses gave him no clue as to what she was, or her goal.

_I won't ask for your story, if you won't ask for mine. All I want is a companion, someone to share the night with. _

It was then that he looked back to her, seeing her eyes look directly into his. There was much behind the gray-blue colour of them, a little shame and fear, perhaps even a bit of self-consciousness, like this was something she normally didn't do. It was the joyous nervousness of doing something new, knowing that things may or may not go well.

The look in her eyes was intoxicating to him, or maybe it was his intoxication that made him feel like that.

_Let's go somewhere._

Maybe he felt out of place in that bar, maybe all he wanted was to get out quick. Maybe there was some other reason he had for going with her, maybe he really was just alone. Either way, he stood up and walked out the door, and she followed him willingly without a single glance back to the table they left, his glass still untouched.

Outside the bar he waited in the shadows, grabbed her as she exited. With a kunai to her throat, he breathed questions into her ear. She stood against his form, almost melting into his skin, slender arms held against her slender sides as if she had accepted the life-threatening situation she was in.

_You're asking a lot of questions too quickly._

She had stated that, yet the laugh that came after was short and soft, like a cute joke had just been told. Regardless, she answered each of his questions in turn, unashamed, unafraid.

She wasn't a spy, she wasn't a prostitute. Yes, she was a ninja, no, she didn't have any weapons on her. Her name was Kerinto Enka, loyal to no hidden village but a permanent resident of the little town they found themselves being united in.

He was rigid against her; she could feel it. Turning in his grasp, she captured his lips before he could fix his hold on her, the kunai near useless in his hand as he felt his defenses weakening. At first thought, he believed she was tricking him. A genjutsu, perhaps. But after a dispel hadn't removed the feeling he had, he gave in to the nagging in his mind, telling him what he truly felt compared to what he believed.

Yes, he was lonely. He was vulnerable, he was afraid. To die alone seemed the most horrendous thing, he didn't want to have that happen today. No, not tonight. So he spent it with her, in her home.

From what glimpses he saw of it as they entered, bodies intertwined, it was a normal home. There was no crazy traps, nothing out of the ordinary. Just a couch, a table with various papers strewn across it, paintings and pictures of places he couldn't identify hanging on the walls, a kitchen to the left of the front door and a hallway to the right. Down the hallway, there was two doors on the right and one on the left. They entered into her room – the door on the left.

It was there that they spent the majority of their time, mingled upon the covers of the double bed against the farthest wall.

That was the beginning of his selfish indulgences.

…

After their hook-up, they laid on the bed and spoke. He felt no danger from her, no form of pressure to leave or the force of cuddling, like the others he had been with had shown. Shikamaru was a good looking seventeen year old boy, and in Konoha, he had his fair share of popularity. There were girls he had slept with, some of which were one-night stands, others were on more than one occasion. Three times was the maximum with any one girl, though, he had decided long ago. After three, they expected things. A relationship, a commitment. Things he wouldn't be able to give to them.

Enka was different. She had an ease about her that lulled you in, a charm about her self that both made you aware of her presence and pulled you in at the same time. She wasn't pushy, she didn't beg for information like the others had. She didn't speak often of herself, but of places she had been, the things she had seen but thought unable to tell to others.

He learned much from her, about the world and its glory, but also of its horrors. She was a ninja, he knew that. Yet she knew too much to not be affiliated with a hidden village. The things she spoke of – of the burning of villages, the eradication of certain families due to fear of their talents, the beauty of a coast by the water on a summer morning, how the trees looked when the snow hit in the middle of winter – seemed too vast and varied for one person to know of by merely being a bystander.

He posed this point to her. She smirked, sat up in the bed and lit a cigarette, her naked body hunched over as she delicately smoked it.

Asuma had smoked, the teen remembered bitterly as he watched her. Memories of his sensei sprung to the front of his mind, and before he could stop himself, he had blurted out: "Smoking will kill you."

It was like she knew of his pain, the way she reacted. She looked at him so kindly, those blue-gray eyes of hers still filled with the same shame and fear and excitement as before, but a form of self-righteousness now present amongst the other clouded feelings.

_Everyone dies someday. Smoking will kill me, yeah. But at least I'll die by something I love, not a rogue's blade._

Maybe it was because he felt at ease, maybe it was because he needed someone to talk to. Maybe there wasn't a reason at all except that he wanted a tie to this girl, to the one who had seemed to know what's on his mind.

Shikamaru told her everything, about Asuma and the fight that killed him and of the things that ran through his mind afterword. He spoke of the smoking and the good times, the bad times, the games they played. Too often he mentioned how much he admired his sensei, but he didn't care, and she didn't mention it, either. Throughout it all, she listened attentively, occasionally shifting underneath the covers they shared, both naked and vulnerable to the other. Something about the setting, the dimness of the lights, the moon outside the window... The way her eyes gleamed, the pale flawlessness of her skin, the red of her lips... Everything was enhanced, yet distant, like the fleeting clarity of squinted eyes.

When he finished his tale, he was close to tears. The thought of having a stranger see him in such a state was unnerving, the only thing preventing him from letting it all out in that moment.

For a moment they sat in still silence, then she moved out of the bed. Getting dressed, she said nothing, hadn't looked at him, had done nothing to offer him a single feeling of condolence. But once she was fully clothed, she looked at him, threw a key at his bare chest.

_I won't say anything about your sensei. You're you, and I am I. We deal with things differently, it's of no place for me to enter your life. _

It made sense, yet he felt empty without words of pity. It was all he had heard in Konoha; maybe that's why he had left in the first place, to get away. Maybe that was why he was in this town, with this girl. So why was he unsatisfied with that answer?

_You're welcomed to come here anytime. If you're lonely, I'm lonely, too. I'm three hours away from Konoha, but come whenever you want._

As she went for the door, it was more of the habit, not curiosity, that led him to ask: "Where are you going?"

_I have a mission I need to do. Leave when you want, I won't be back for a few days. Lock up before you go._

Maybe it was the open-endedness of her words that caused him to frequent her place often. Yes, the sex was great, but there was something more important than that. The talk they had after, it was like something he hadn't had in a while. She understood, had a logical mind, asked the right questions at the right time. The way she presented herself was mysterious, those eyes begging for someone to figure her out.

She was unique, different, strange.

She was a dangerous toy, something he would never allow to be had in his normal, secure life.

She was his secret, hidden, selfish pleasure.


	3. Ten months

For ten months they kept up their meetings, their secret rendezvouses. Sometimes they would partake in sexual acts, other times they would merely enjoy the other's company. Occasionally they would play shogi, and always he would nearly lose. Shikamaru was one of the smartest – if not _the _smartest – individual in Konoha. His IQ was high and hard to compete against, he was always thinking twelve steps ahead of any opponent, multiple plans already in place should one thing go wrong in the initial design. And yet here was Enka, able to corner him in a game, make him think there was no way to win. It was always the same, though; she would always make that one stupid move with a smirk on her face when he was trapped, and he'd win.

In his mind, it was worse than losing when she did that. It was worse than admitting defeat. It was like a guilty form of victory, a self-created falsehood that you made for yourself despite knowing you were wrong, that you failed. He hated the feeling; he was sure she knew.

Yet he always returned to her. Maybe it was to see if – perhaps, one day – he would win without feeling defeated. Maybe he wanted to see her squirm in her seat instead of it always being him, maybe he enjoyed the way she spoke so cynically about things he couldn't comment on. The values of people, the ideals of man, the way the world worked in such undignified ways. Over the ten month period, he knew much about her. She had many different faces, many different emotions set to different days. Never was it predictable, everyday he was introduced to a new, seemingly-unrecognizable part of her. One day she would be romantic, touching him in ways he would melt into. The next she would be cold and distant, listening to him speak without muttering a word herself. On yet another, she would be cruel, speaking harshly about any and everything, criticizing the actions of the lords and past battle-leaders.

Maybe he stuck around because she was interesting. Sure, she was difficult, but there was an allure similar to the one that had drawn him in on that first day. She was open, still existing in such a way that made you notice her, that ease of her self always present, yet there was a stronger pull evident once you began to listen to her speak. The things she spoke of, the pictures she described of grand battles and choices decisions, of betrayal and loyalty and human nature – everything she mentioned added to the puzzle that was she, but never were the pieces complete. In every puzzle, there was a few rogue border pieces, a few essential clusters of the picture lost. To finish a puzzle with so many broken and missing pieces was his desire. He wanted to finish her, learn her, complete her.

Enka called to his intellectual side. She was difficult and troublesome occasionally, but she understood him better than anyone had ever been able to in Konoha. Just because he was unable to say he understood a single thing about her was no reason why he would stop giving himself the mental indulgences she granted him. The physical part was merely an added bonus they both seemed to enjoy.

For ten months he submerged himself in her, deeper and deeper with every random meeting they had. Never would he call it love – how could he know what that felt like, anyways? He hadn't ever heard anyone his age speak of a feeling like love, he didn't know the symptoms of the life-changing 'illness' – but something much more grim. It was a form of fear, for both himself and her. She scared him, in the subtlest of ways. How she knew what he was thinking without verbalizing it, how she could predict his every move, when he would be coming, how she spoke of Konoha and the world like she were the one who created it. Even when he spoke of his friends, she seemed to know them better than he. It scared him, _she _scared him. There was so much secret behind her eyes that once seemed so afraid, so much questions that he would never be able to ask.

But what scared him the most was her grip on him. No matter who told him not to go, no matter if his friends found out and scolded him, no matter if he knew she was a missing-nin or anything of relative bad reputation, he wouldn't be able to stop seeing her. At least not at once.

He had thought of the situations before, about her being an enemy to Konoha, about their meetings being found out by one of the Jonin who would be extremely against it for some reason. He thought of a thousand different reasons why they would have to stop meeting, and came up with only one solution; gradually he would need to be weened off. It would take months, perhaps years, to get her hold of him off. Slowly, slowly the process would begin to work. It was like she infected his mind, changed his ways of seeing, of thinking, everything. It was like a virus, always present in your body, always waiting to ruin you.

He hated it. God, did he hate it. Sometimes he regretted the day he met her, wished that he hadn't gone to that terrible town or that all-too-joyful bar. He wished Asuma hadn't died – all too often he wished that man hadn't been killed – and that he hadn't cared so much about it. Ninja, he was a ninja. Death happened all the time. There was nothing he nor anyone else could do to stop it, it was merely something you had to come to grips with. And yet he had been so torn apart by it, so destroyed. He regretted, once, feeling so much for that man. He regretted feeling any and everything, because it all lead to her. Her and that twisted hold on his mind.

Everything about her screamed danger, too. There were facts everywhere that Enka was someone you shouldn't be around. Her demeanor was unstable, she had the look of a killer. The way she walked was with confidence, like she had earned her place in the world. The way she talked was with self-knowledge and wisdom, like she seen too much to be told. He knew little of her but her name and age, and even that made their meetings feel forbidden.

Enka was older than him by quite a few years, admitting shamelessly that she would be turning twenty-two in the matter of weeks. No matter how much he looked at that body of hers, though, he couldn't tell her age. She was young, skin so taut on her body like a teenager, her face appearing no older than Sakura's or Ino's. There were traits, he would occasionally notice, that showed she was older than her appearance. Such like her confidence, the way she did what she wanted when she wished, how she argued with the idea of authority like she knew it better, or how she spoke with such righteousness like an elder would. In a way, Shikamaru was occasionally reminded of the Jonins in Konoha when he spoke to her. Sometimes Iruka would show through, other times he would see some of Kakashi, and more than once he had seen bits of Asuma.

Asuma...

He missed the man, still. Ten months, and he would still occasionally feel the sting of loss. He had never had anyone extremely close to him pass away before. His grandmother had passed away before, but even that hadn't seemed to hurt as much as the death of his sensei.

Perhaps what Shikamaru liked most about Enka was her ability to understand loss. Though she never spoke of how she knew of what it felt like to lose someone so dear to you like he had, she no doubt knew every part of it. She knew the ups and downs, the right things to say, the perfect time to comfort. When she touched him, pulled him into an embrace, it was always at the key moment. As shameful as it was, he had caught himself crying in her arms more than once over the death of his sensei, the scar still so deep and painful. She never scolded him, just held him like a child.

Sometimes, Shikamaru wished she'd open up. Sometimes, he wanted to be the one holding her, comforting _her _as she cried over something.

Maybe he wanted to feel trusted by her.

Maybe he just wanted to know she was human.

…

For ten months, their meetings went on without a hitch.

For ten months, he let himself be carried in the current by her.

But in ten months, someone caught on.

Looking back on it, it was probably his fault someone found out.

It had began with that one stupid question he shouldn't have asked. It was supposed to be harmless, just a talk between friends. Sitting at the usual barbecue join, Chouji, Naruto, and Shikamaru sat with food between them. On one side was Shikamaru, on the other was Chouji and Naruto. It was normal for the three to be seen together, especially now that the Nara boy didn't have his sensei to waste his time with.

It was a question asked to ease the silence between them. Just a simple question, something he was curious about but couldn't ask anyone else.

"What does love feel like?"

The looks he received from both his companions made him realize how silly the question was and how stupid and out of place he was for asking. Of course they would think something of it, why hadn't he thought more of it? Yes, he wanted an answer, perhaps he was curious as to why he was unable to leave Enka alone for too long, but to ask _them_?

Maybe he only asked because he could no longer ask Asuma those questions.

"W-What?" Naruto had yelled, nearly spitting his food all over the brunette's face. "Why are you asking that?"

"You like someone, Shika?" Chouji asked with wide-eyes, a bit hurt of not being notified of this information before it went public. Everyone knew that once you told Naruto something...

"N-No," Shikamaru successfully lied, "I was just wondering, I hear people talk about love a lot." To save himself, he lied as much as he could. He had heard no one speak of love, and whatever he had heard came from his father, saying that it was a stupid thing to be avoided.

Naruto laughed at that, throwing his head back and letting it out. "I can't believe you're trying to lie! Who is it, Shika?"

It was in that moment that Shikamaru thought about telling them, about getting all the weight of secrets off his chest. It wasn't like he minded keeping her a secret, he just didn't enjoy the fact that his friends thought he wasn't seeing anyone. It wasn't a hidden fact that Shikamaru had slept around in Konoha before, and the fact that he had stopped seeing anyone in his town when he began seeing Enka created curiosity in others. He didn't like the way Kiba called him a "'bater" or the way Ino looked at him suggestively, like she knew something he didn't. There was always that paranoia that someone had found out, too, and he couldn't stand that. He had done nothing to alert anyone – until he asked that stupid question.

"It's no one, it was just a stupid question. Forget about it."

And for a moment his friends did. But that moment was outlived as soon as the food they chewed had been swallowed, and Naruto began speaking once more.

"I guess love is like... you want to protect them, you know? And when you talk to them, your heart flies and you can't think straight and you say stupid things in order to keep talking to them 'cause their voice is the best thing to hear."

Chouji chimed in then, and although Shikamaru knew his larger friend had no experience with women before, he somehow trusted Chouji's opinion on the matter more than Naruto's.

"I think it's confusion. You don't know what to think, you worry too much about how they feel or what they think of you. You're self-conscious and afraid of asking questions. You want them to trust you but you don't want to freak them out. That's what I think."

Thinking on it, it was then that Shikamaru decided once and for all that he didn't love her. Maybe he wanted to protect her, but that didn't mean he loved her. His heart didn't fly when she talked to him, it flew when she touched him. But that was normal, wasn't it? It was hormonal reactions. He never said stupid things, he was always logical, but her voice _did _soothe him. He enjoyed hearing her speak, or maybe he liked hearing about her stories. He never could be sure which one it was.

Nothing of what Chouji said related to him, which was odd. Normally, Chouji knew better than most what was the best thing to say, the things that would relate to Shikamaru the most. But not that time, no. The Nara boy never questioned what she felt or what she thought of him. Perhaps it was because she was honest about that, because she would tell him when she was happy or sad or wanting him, because she would tell him often then she thought highly of him, that he was someone she would always look after. Perhaps the only thing his best friend had gotten right was the fear of asking questions. But Shikamaru was afraid of asking for a different reason, right...?

For the rest of the dinner, Naruto hadn't let up on the topic. Constantly he pestered about a woman, trying to figure it out. But when no answer came, the Uzumaki grew restless and annoyed with curiosity.

So two days later, he trailed him.

And within a matter of days, ten months of perfect meetings had been destroyed, thanks to one simple, stupid question.


	4. Traitor

The words she said to him still ring through her, sometimes.

_One day..._

Sometimes, she wonders if it was enough.

_You'll realize what a mistake you've made_.

Was it enough to make him doubt himself? Was it enough to make him want to return?

_One day..._

She had failed that mission. It was the most important mission she was to do, and yet she failed it. It was for the honour of the Third, who had died. For the protection of Konoha, where she lived.

_You'll wish you never left for such a reason as 'power'._

He was the last of his line, someone they needed to keep safe in fear of extinction of a trait. The Uchiha line was needed to ensure the potential future of Konoha. That bloodline ability was powerful, it needed to be preserved.

It was vital that the boy be brought home.

_One day..._

It was vital she complete the mission and bring him back to Konoha. Yet when the opportunity presented itself, she ignored it. She did not touch him, she did not capture him like she was ordered to. She did nothing, though she knew it was all too possible to fight him and win.

_You'll miss everything._

She just leaned against the wall and watched him as he stood rigid with his bag on his back, analyzing everything with those sharingan eyes. He was twelve, maybe thirteen at that time. She, seventeen, on the cusp of her eighteenth birthday. Three more days and she would be of legal age to drink away the failure she was bound to have from that mission.

_You're so young._

She knew he was determined to leave. She saw the curse mark on his neck, knew he had been tainted by promising words. His faith had been shifted from Konoha and onto Orochimaru. Enka knew how little her words would mean at that moment, how futile any attempt to return him to Konoha would be.

Faith was the hardest thing to break.

_So was I._

Maybe it was because of her ANBU mask that he had stood there for so long, waiting, anticipating, almost hoping for an attack to happen. But she did nothing, and eventually his stoic form broke and he relaxed – still analyzing, yet less hostile. He said nothing, merely stared at her, and she saw his eyes travel up and down her body.

He was a smart boy, everyone knew that. The Uchiha was a prodigy, yet not the best. He was not Kakashi, he was no Itachi. There was never a chance for him to beat out his older brother, and yet he clung to any and every hope he had of it to avenge a family that was murdered by the village. He wouldn't know that, though, not yet. She wasn't about to tell him, either, nor was anyone else in those times. He was too young, he wouldn't understand.

Sasuke regarded her harshly, questioning what she knew, who she was, what she wanted. She didn't answer immediately, taking off her ANBU mask instead. If there was anything she wanted in that moment, it was his belief. Maybe she wanted him to have faith in her words, maybe she wanted to feel something with him in those moments. Maybe she just wanted to know that she had gotten through to the Uchiha. She didn't understand it, no, but she knew it was the right thing to do; exposing her face made her seem like less of a threat, made him ease up.

She could feel it in his mind, that fading hostility, the building resentment for not only her, but Konoha, everything he once believed in...

And then it broke. He yelled out at her, stating his angle, his reason, his everything. Itachi consumed him, his hatred crushing the love he once had for his older brother, the pride he had once felt for being related to the prodigal ninja, the admiration and idolization of the man he wanted to become.

She listened to his words, never moving from her lax position against the half-broken wall of a village's ruins. He claimed she didn't understand, didn't know what he felt, what was in his mind. How could he have known about her, about how much she _did _know of his mind...?

_Power attained through rage and vengeance is fleeting and distant._

With rage in those red eyes, he stared at her as she spoke, still analyzing her for any form of a threat she would give. She was a Konoha ninja, he was a runaway. No matter how much his mind wanted to accept her, his heart wouldn't stand down; she would hurt him if he wasn't careful.

_You'll spend an eternity reaching and training for it, becoming stronger and stronger. You'll build your life onto attaining it._

She was beautiful, and it killed him to know that she was his enemy. There was something about her that made him feel attached already. Maybe it was her allure, that mysterious feel of her presence. Maybe it was her calm, even words, the way she spoke like she knew everything but wasn't being cocky.

Maybe she reminded him of the old Itachi he once adored.

In another life, maybe they could have been friends. She could have guided him the right way with her knowledgeable words. In this life, though, he was destined to leave. She hadn't been present in his past, that brief moment of chatter the only grace he ever had of that woman.

_One day, you'll attain that power, and for a moment you'll have your revenge. But when your target lays dead and your power runs away, the life you've built on revenge will crumble._

He saw her eyes lower when she spoke, like she was remembering, thinking, watching a scene unfold in places he couldn't see. Somehow, it angered him.

_So you'll have no power, no life. There's a hole in your being that can't be filled, the place that vengeance had been placed before. Your life will have no purpose. _

He claimed he could die after that. He didn't care if his life had a purpose, he didn't care for anything. As long as he got his revenge, he could die and be happy.

She laughed at that, a kind of empty snicker that sounded too hollow to be of amusement.

_Yeah, you'll tell yourself that. But when it comes to dying, you won't want to. You'll sit there with the knife to your throat, secure in the fact that your revenge is over and you're ready to die. Yet you won't be able to bring it across. You'll be weak, you'll stop, maybe you'll cry. _

He said he wouldn't chicken out, he would never kill himself. He wouldn't do anything so dishonorable.

Maybe it was the way he worded it or how he was talking out of blind rage, but she grew tired of him. She pushed off the wall, took meaningful steps towards him.

He was unable to move as she approached, and when her hand landed on his shoulder, he felt something of a shock run through him. It wasn't something he could control; she wasn't normal. Normal people would've hit him, they would have attacked. Yet she grabbed his shoulder, not rough, not comforting. Just a grab, as to throw him out of danger, out of himself, out of his mind...

_Sometimes living is more dishonorable than suicide. Sometimes you grow so sick of yourself that you can't stand the thoughts in your head, the sound of your voice, the way you always show up in mirrors or pictures or the way people acknowledge you like you're _fine, _like you didn't do something _horrible. _Like you're not empty._

There was a danger in her eyes that chilled him. He could have been afraid, he could have wanted to hit her, perhaps he could have wanted to get away. Sasuke didn't know anything in those moments, though. He didn't know what to do. He had been faced with tears of another before, he had seen death and protected his teammates. He had trained and trained and spilled his blood and other's blood and killed. He had faced many things in his life, yet nothing was as destructive in his life as the voided look of her blue-grey eyes, the way her voice seemed to echo in his mind, its own separate entity inside his.

_One day, you'll realize I'm right. You'll realize leaving Konoha was a bad decision, that __everything that man offered you was fake and one-sided. One day, you'll want to return, but you won't be welcome. _

She released him, stepped backwards, put her mask back on like she never had it off.

_From here on, the whole of Konoha will consider you a missing-nin. You'll be hunted wherever you go, but not for death; death would be too merciful. If you return after you've been gone, you may be killed on sight, in front of those who once loved you. They may even be the ones who kill you. Maybe you'll be spared and put to prison. Or they may torture you. Your being and everything thereof is a weapon, and you're putting it in enemy hands. You're a traitor to Konoha in their eyes. _

As she turned to walk back to town, he stood where he was, and posed a question that would haunt her. Such few words, yet it held so much meaning to the girl.

It had been said before, in different contexts, different meanings, different ways, all by different people. Yet it struck home most when it came from him, his voice even like he knew what he was doing despite being so young.

What am I in your eyes?

She stood there, unable to answer for a moment. It took her off guard; she thought the conversation had ended. She wasn't ready to answer anything, wasn't prepared to talk anymore than she had. Already she was wiped, not only by the memories he had brought on, but of the effort of stopping him, the strain of imagining the punishment that would come her way when she returned unsuccessful in her mission too bold a thing.

_You're a teenager._

That was the last she saw of the boy. She had heard of many rescue missions sent to retrieve him or get a lead. She knew where he was going, knew what he was doing and what he was aiming for. Within that one meeting, she knew more about him then all of Konoha.

Yet when the high council asked for her opinion, when they regarded her on the mission and what was to be done now that she failed, she said nothing.

Why hadn't she sold him out...?

Why hadn't she captured him?

It was shortly after that she was banished from Konoha for her actions on the mission, her stance on the matter of his retrieval.

She was a traitor to Konoha.

If she were to return, she could be killed on sight. Someone she considered a friend may be the one to do it.

Maybe she'd be spared and put to prison.

Maybe they'd torture her.

Everything of her was traitorous.

She could never return home.

And as the clock struck midnight and she turned eighteen, she left that town.

For three hours, she did not halt for anything or anyone.

For three hours, she kept her head low and stayed to the shadows.

And three hours away, at the ruined village where she had encountered that boy, she started her new life.

…

The sun was high up when she made it home.

She left earlier that morning before Shikamaru had awaken, and he was gone before she returned. Normally that was how it worked, but sometimes he was there, sometimes she didn't leave for her usual jobs. Occasionally, they would lounge around with one another for a full day, basking in their time together, for neither knew how long it would last.

She never told him about her past.

He didn't know she was a traitor.

And it was how they enjoyed it.

But that day was different. When she entered her home, there were sounds. Scuffling, shuffling, seldom banging.

She wasn't afraid. It wouldn't be the first time ANBU had found her, it certainly wouldn't be the last. So she marched towards the noise, faced the intruder head on, ready for whatever enemy was there.

Bandits, robbers, ANBU or anything worse, she could handle.

She could take on the Akatsuki, were they there. She was confident she could best any abomination thrown at her.

But what she saw was something she couldn't handle.

Blond hair, blue eyes, an orange jumpsuit.

Uzumaki Naruto.

No, she wouldn't be able to handle him.


	5. Konoha

He recognized her the moment he caught sight of those eyes. They were something so unique, he would always remember them. Over the years, they hadn't changed. They were still that beautiful gray-blue colour, the irises still harboring some hidden emotions behind itself. When he was younger, he had gazed into those eyes an uncountable amount of times trying to figure them out; they were damn well engraved into his mind.

Their conversation in her home had been quick and to the point, like he always remembered her being. Even when they were younger and played together, he remembers he being swift to get started on something. She didn't like explaining much, he hardly knew anything about her. But she liked listening, and that was what she did as they embarked on the trip back to Konoha.

She claimed it was unsafe for someone from Konoha to be in that town she lived in. Naruto had asked why she was there, then, and not in Konoha. It had been years since he last seen her in the village, come to think about it...

She didn't answer him, shifting the topic onto something he couldn't stop talking about; his friends.

For the majority of the three hour trip back to the hidden village, he spoke of the people he would protect with his life. He started with his team, with Kakashi and how he was always late to their meetings. Then he opened up, felt the trust between herself and him like it always used to be there, like nothing had changed from before, and he told her about Sakura and how he liked her. For longer than either could tell, he ranted about Sasuke, and at one point he was close to tears, clutching his fist so tightly his knuckles resembled the colour of the purest snow.

She said and did what she could to calm him down and keep the conversation moving. Eventually, he let up, and moved on to the other teams.

He explained of Neji and his desire to believe in destiny, which Naruto had no faith in whatsoever. He spoke of Tenten, though he knew very little of her personally. And of Lee, oh, did he speak of Lee. She found the nickname – Bushy Brows – humourous, though rude. She said nothing of it, though, allowing the Uzumaki to continue on with his compliments and description of the boy, who had become "as fast as lightning" during the Chuunin exams years ago.

The only thing he said in regards to Gai was to call him a creep. The truth in it made her smirk.

Hinata was a sweetie, he mentioned, though a bit shy. She had this tendancy to pass out or turn red and uncomfortable when he was around, he noted. Maybe, he pondered, she was disgusted with him like many other people had been. Enka said nothing of his terribly wrong assumption, instead shaking her head and smiling at the one-sided love between them. Maybe one day it wouldn't only be one-sided.

Shino was odd. He was quiet and used bugs to fight. Out of everyone he had mentioned, Enka found the most interest in the Aburame boy. He seemed... different. Content in his solitude, someone she would enjoy speaking with.

Next was the talk of Kiba, who he regarded as a good friend, someone he spoke to often. He told her of their group of "dead lasts" that still ran up to that day, who hung out occasionally and spoke of things.

In it were himself, Kiba, Chouji, and Shikamaru.

Oh, Shikamaru. He remembered then, after all the excitement of being reunited with his old friend, that that was why he had traveled the three hours in the first place.

"Hey, Enka, are you dating Shikamaru?" he confidently asked. Perhaps he was being too bold after not seeing her for years and years, but he still felt that strong bond they had once shared. He still felt that she would jump to his aid when the bullies showed up, like she used to, or that she would yell at the adults who told her to get away from him because he was a monster.

The memories he had of that girl were fond and well kept. She was the first person, besides Iruka, who didn't think ill of him. She always spoke to him without any sign of hesitation or difference, like she didn't care that he was not like her, that he held a dangerous creature inside his being. He confessed things to her he had never spoken aloud before. His hatred of some people, how he just wanted to be accepted... As he grew older, he kept her comforting and encouraging words in the back of his mind. Maybe they helped shape who he became.

"Shikamaru? Is that why you were in my place?" she asked, shaking her head slowly as if it was all too clear suddenly.

"Yeah. See, he was asking what love felt like or something like that so I asked why and he wouldn't tell me so I thought he had a girlfriend and I asked about her but he denied it all and said there was no one but of course I didn't believe him so I followed him and-"

Enka sighed, lightly swinging her right arm into the boy's stomach to shut him up. He ranted and rambled more than she could understand, sometimes. How did a yes or no question turn into a short essay?

"No, Shikamaru and I are not in a relationship like that. We just play shogi together, or speak of strategies. He must have been speaking of someone else," she lied. Perhaps it wasn't a full lie, since they did play shogi and they technically weren't 'dating'.

"Oh..." A bit ashamed at his actions and upset at his idea of Shikamaru being wrong, Naruto hung his head and thought. Who else could it be? "That's sad, you and Shika would have been good together."

Somehow, a rush of relief overcame the girl. There were so many questions the blond boy could have asked her at that moment, about how she knew Shikamaru or why they met in secret, why she lived so far away or where she had been for years he hadn't seen her. All those questions could have been voiced, but they weren't.

For the third time in her life, she was glad the boy was so single-minded and oblivious.

As quickly as he had gotten down, the boy bounced back up and continued on his rant of his friends. Ino was, apparently, a bitch. But he dealt with her because she was the friend of a lot of his friends. Chouji was part of the gang, and a cool person to be with. Sometimes, he admitted, he made fun of his weight. He felt bad of it afterward.

He assumed Shikamaru needed no explaining.

They spoke of other things, as well, such as his training with the pervy sage and the missions he would go on in his spare time. He mentioned his training, and how he hated it, but only did it because he needed to become the strongest he could be to bring Sasuke back.

She didn't mention anything about her chance to do that same.

Slowly, the view of the village came to them. Over the trees, they could see the Hokage tower, the smoke of shops blowing into the air.

Only a few more minutes, and they'd be in Konoha...

…

"Move to Konoha."

It was the first thing he said as they lay together on the bed, her head on his chest, his on the pillow with his arm around her clothed body.

"What?" Enka muttered, looking up to the stoic face of the boy she came to care for, more than she was able to admit. "Surely you're joking." And she lay back down.

"I'm not." Her eyes looked up at him once more, shock and fear claiming the place where the wonder had once been before. "I want you to move to Konoha."

She got off him at that point, pushed herself to a sitting position and turned her torso to face him in his leisurely pose. God, he was beautiful. It was hard to want to be mad at him when he looked so serene, his hair out of that atrocious ponytail she wished he would stop wearing, brown locks falling around his face instead.

"We'll be found out in Konoha! It'll be impossible to hide, I'll become so paranoid of—"

"I've thought of everything, Enka. Every way it could go wrong, the things people would say, who would say it, everything... Who cares? So what if they find out?" He sighed deeply, tired at the effort the conversation was going to require. "You're so troublesome..."

She sighed at that, standing up and running her hands through her hair to calm herself. How could she tell him she was a traitor, that she couldn't return no matter how much she wanted to...?

Shikamaru closed his eyes, again thinking of the events that would happen if she were to move to his village. He had spent many walks to and from her home just thinking about it, about how things would change were she to change locations. Sure, the Jonin might find out. Maybe they'd care, maybe they wouldn't. His friends would surely give some form of criticism, if only for her age, but it would pass. Kurenai... Kurenai wouldn't bother, as long as he was happy. She was like a second mom, now that he was looking after her kid in Asuma's place. She would want him to be safe and happy and at peace, and that was what he was – mostly – with her.

He didn't know the things she did. The danger he would be in when he was seen with her, the disdain he would be subject to from many of the townsfolk who remembered her from before, constant questioning on their relationship by some of the people she had once worked with and turned down. They would say things, mean, horrid things to him. Did she really want to put him through all that suffering...? Could he stand it?

He sat up then, eyes half opened in a sleepy daze. Grabbing one of her hands, he threw himself back down and dragged her along, back onto his body like it was no big deal.

"Come to Konoha, alright? Be my girlfriend."

And as battle-hardened as she was, as much as she tried to keep her emotions and feelings in check and concealed, she was still a girl. Hearing him ask that made her melt inside. That word – _girlfriend _– was something she longed to hear for a while, but couldn't bring herself to attain. She was lonely, sometimes. Having that title meant that she wouldn't need to be.

So she became swept along in his slow-moving current, rested her head against him once more.

"Okay."

…

"Hey, Naruto," she spoke as they approached the town gate. He looked up to her, still admiring her like the protective sister he always thought she was. "When we get into town, run and bring the Hokage to the gates. Understand? You can't stop for anything or anyone, just tell her someone needs to see her immediately."

"W-What? What's going on, Enka?" he questioned, confused, slightly afraid. The look on his companion's face was dark and calculated, going through all the possible scenarios that would happen. Would she even be allowed _into _the village? The council had banished her, but the Hokage had more power than they. It was her only hope to return...

As they stepped into town, she pushed on his back and sent him running for the Hokage's office, calling after him to go and go quickly.

Then she was surrounded. ANBU formed a circle, encasing her in the middle of it. She was considered that high of a threat, was she, that even the newer ANBU had her face memorized?

"You dare show your face in Konoha, traitor?" one yelled. Placing one foot farther back then the other, she prepared to fight. It wasn't something she wanted to do, fight the ANBU she had once led. But what other choice did she have? It was fight or be killed there. She had no choice...

Hurry, Naruto, please hurry up...


End file.
